ABROAD BOYFRIEND, ABROAD HUSBAND: NOT ALL IJGBS ARE A CATCH!

You see them around, accents rolling off their tongues effortlessly. Bomber jackets. Glistening skin. Smelling like a mix of abroad weather and privilege. They are the ones that oppress you at the mall with their mannerism, their bewildered looks at things we deem normal, the plastic bottle water carried around 24/7 and their ensemble looking like they just rolled out of Tumblr. Nigerian ladies and gentlemen please welcome the IJGBS!!!!! The IJGBS or the I just got back are the Nigerians who live in the abroad either for study or are residing there and are back in Nigeria for a short period of time often for Christmas.

Aside from the fact that you hate to love them because they just remind you that you are still stuck here unable to escape and your shoulder pad levels haven’t been unlocked yet. They also threaten your place in the life of your bae and boo. You see full blown lovers who just met 4 days back, ladies laughing as the guy coos away in innit, wanna, gonna.

Babe! Better stay woke. Stop seeing every IJGB man as a potential husband o, they are not immune to the scum virus o. Stop fantasizing about the good life the abroad holds because Barnabas who just returned last week is telling you he likes a woman like you. That you are special and all that bants. Yen yen yen. Ji! Masun!

Before you fall inside pot of deception and they swindle you financially and physically please note abroad get levels ooooooo. It is not our fault we swoon at the mention of abroad, it is totally normal but don’t get fazed by it. Majority of those guys who are rocking your world with innit and stories of ‘back in Shrewsbury’ ‘back in Philadelphia’ are returnees from 6th grade abroad. My dear both of you are in the same boat.

Now when I talk of abroad grades, here are the different grades of abroad.

First grade – Europe and America(UK, USA)
Second grade – Asia (China, India, Korea)
Third grade – Middle east (Turkey, Qatar, Lebanon)
Fourth grade – Africa that isn’t like Africa (Egypt, Morocco, Mauritius)
Fifth grade – Africa raised to power one (Ghana, South Africa)
Sixth grade – Africa (Cotonou, Togo, Cameroon)

Read that? Done dreaming of shopping in Walmart dressed in coats, thigh high boots? Good! Because devil and the elder brother of 419 are both inside some of those IJGBS. Most of them know ladies are ready to do anything to snag a IJGB so they play on that desperation, many of them have never seen snow. Some live inside apartments that you will be repulsed by, some of them are not all that, some are on scholarships and can’t afford the lifestyle they brag about.

Liars, liars everywhere

 
I have seen some ladies on Twitter tweeting they are waiting for an abroad dude to get involved with far back in November and I was blown. I won’t berate anybody for wanting a lover based overseas but usually those men are scams. They put you through some shit because they know you are blinded by their abroad experience. They feed you all sorts of lies because they believe you can’t tell the difference between an airport terminal or runway. Francis who lives in Cotonou and sells okrika will claim abroad. He will speak innit gonna wanna with phony accents while showering you with dollars. He will deceive the women with tales of the good life outside the country, knock some up and go back smug with pride.

I have heard gists of how ladies get pounded to smithereens but had to endure every wicked thrust because ahhhhhh abroad!  Yeeeeee Yankee! Ooooooooo Ottawa! Isssssssss snoooooowwww. Many have gone through sessions upon sessions of kpakpa kpukpukpukpu because of jand. What about the lamentations that follow? You hear stuff like ‘at least if I just collected money I would know I did ashewo and collected money for it.’

I have heard stories of women who get promised heaven and earth and a proposal party at Disneyland. Who is sold the idea of a home in the suburbs only to get to that abroad and meet abroad bae living like a destitute in a bad neighbourhood.

My friend told me about a IJGB she met when she went back home for Christmas last year, she said he spent lavishly then and she was ready to be his wife whenever he proposes. The dude went back after the new year but they kept in touch through calls and social media. Somehow she found out he drives cab in Brooklyn and she called off the relationship. Of course my judgey self felt she was materialistic but she explained he lied to her and claimed all what he isn’t. ‘Babe, what kind of life would I be living if he eventually sends for me? I had to go for thanksgivings in church because I dodged a bullet.’

How you dodge those shady IJGBS

So babes stay woke once again. Don’t get deceived. Enjoy the knacks. Enjoy the dollars but carry your Nigerian sense along. Discard the mentality of men in jand as one super hero or saviour. You guys are flings and are not ending up together. His return ticket is meant for him alone!