Aside from malaria symptoms which every average Nigerian recognize. Any other funny change in the system is something to worry about. Due to the evil in disguise called THE INTERNET. You can always Google every thing existing on the surface of the earth and get an answer. And that was exactly what I did. I guess you people are thinking ‘ah ah wasn’t she supposed to be more sensible than that and go to the hospital?’ Well you see I have always had this phobia for the hospital. The smell of dettol, Izal and savlon, the fear of using my hand to touch one of the numerous germs that could have been left on a chair, railing or desk, the anxiety of getting told I’m suffering from a disease that could only be cured by an operation where I wouldn’t be given anaesthesia. I can go on and on becayse the phobia began since when I was younger and three medical personnel had to hold me still so that I could be injected.

So I decided to consult know it all Google, diagnose myself and if likely treat myself. So I typed.

‘What causes itch in the throat?’

The results appeared. I opened a tab and I saw;

Phlegm and itching in the throat can be due to many reasons which are;

A – Dehydration

B – Phlegm and itching of the throat can be one of the many symptoms of throat tumour. The tumour can be a cancerous or benign one. Click this to read the remaining symptoms of throat tumour.

(Clicks link)

Throat tumour are usually caused by *inserts a medical term I don’t understand.*

Symptoms of throat tumours are;

Itch in the throat
Inability to control saliva
Hoarse throat
Sore throat

Aye mi temi bami

I began to shake seriously by the time I was done reading. I was already exhibiting one out of all the symptoms mentioned. My mind began to play tricks on me. What if I was actually suffering from throat tumour? Images of people with engorged necks came to my head. I remember the woman who used to sell bread and butter infront of my house in the early 2000s. She had a goitre and it used to jiggle whenever she bends to take bread from her basin. I used to think her goitre was filled with lots of butter but I knew better as I got older. Well she had a surgery to fix it and the last time I saw her years ago her neck was like every other person’s neck. Normal.

Every time you Google a disease instead of going to the hospital. You get enough cancer scares to last you a lifetime. Save your peace of mind and don’t Google your illness – Abdulazeez Kaothar

What if what I had is goitre? I asked myself. The next morning I woke up with a dull pain in my throat. Normally I would have boiled hot water, add honey and drink but I couldn’t. I remembered one of the symptoms I read is sore throat and my heart jumped into my throat. I began to cry as I texted a closed friend that I am dying of cancer. It was laughed off when I explained why I think so. My friend told me to boil water and drink to relieve the pain and assured me that it is just a sore throat and nothing more.

After chugging down hot water in a bid to relieve the pain. I woke two days later and could barely speak. It took a lot of effort to speak with my mum on the phone, she oblivious to what was happening, told me to lick TomTom. My dear mother thought I over exerted my voice, she didn’t know I was dying. I bought TomTom sha and I began to lick with gusto, so that when I die God won’t punish me for disobeying my mother.

So I forced myself to lick the TomTom I would have chewed and swallowed on a normal day. In the evening the last straw broke the camel’s back. I began to spit like a pregnant woman. My dear friend comforted me and said it is probably the indomie I ate but I knew better. I WAS DYING! IT IS FINISHED

I could barely sleep throughout the night. I kept thinking of how my death would be. Would I die in my sleep? Or my breath would be taken away in a spasm? Would I gasp before I die? I thought of dead relatives I would be seeing on the other side sooner than I thought. I thought of hell. Does it really exist? I thought of putting my manuscripts in a file and labelling it SECRET – PLEASE PUBLISH WHEN I DIE. I thought of how I would blow when it gets published but won’t be alive to address the readers of my work. I thought of so many things until I fell asleep and dreamt of tiny babies with satanic horns prickling my neck with hot prongs. I dreamt of hell! When I woke up. I called my mother and told her everything and that I fear something serious is wrong with me. My mother scoldings pushed me to the hospital where the doctor told me all that was wrong with me was actually nothing! He said it was a reaction to something I ate and placed me on some medications.

I have been stressing for nothing

Brethren. I walked away from the hospital feeling like a newborn. The sore throat magically disappeared and somehow I realized I could actually control my spit. All other symptoms that popped up were as a result of my mind screwing with me. I stressed my self for nothing because I googled instead of seeing a doctor. Please don’t make the same mistake I made.

Have you ever googled a symptom and got scared out of your senses? Tell me about it in the comment box.


I am not cute or built to suit a fashion model size, but when i start to tell them, they think am telling lies, i say, it is in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips. I am a woman phenomenally, phenomenal woman,that's me - Maya Angelou.


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    Seriously, I can relate πŸ˜ƒ and I think every matured girl that’s started having sex too can relate. That moment when you had unprotected sex and your menstrual period ceased for a while, only thought that would come to your mind is asking Google(instead of running test) as if Google was there when you are doing itπŸ˜€πŸ˜. Google too will now be saying something else πŸ˜“

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