Seriously, African Mothers need to chill and when I mean chill, I mean they need a cup or two of cold zobo , very cold zobo, that kind of cold zobo you drink that turns your tongue from pale pink to Burgundy? With coldness that makes your teeth ache? . Yes that is the kind of zobo they need.
There are some things African Mothers do that leaves you wondering whether Mothers everywhere are like that most especially the Nigerian Mothers, now let me be more specific and bring it down to the Yoruba Mother, ehn ehn. They are specially gifted when it comes to making your eyes turn suddenly from being clear to watery and blurry. I am not talking about the divine smacks and spanks that can make an erring child become obedient, and turn the dullard into a whizkid. I am talking about the invisible smacks and spanks, the absurd requests, the very silly questions which they expect you have an answer to, the rhetorical questions which you must never answer to, and the ludicrous statements about your paternal family.
-We have the very very very unimportant things like when you’d stop saying what’s up instead of maybe Good afternoon “egbon” to a cousin you are totally cool with, but your mum wants the respect because the cousin is older than you by three weeks? Huhn? I mean I get the fact that Yorubas respect elderly ones but some “manner of respect” are just downright absurd.
– The very silly and nonsensical ones, I mean no disrespect but most times Mothers get the A grade for saying a lot of nonsenses, Mothers would tongue lash you and make your skin boil for breaking a plastic spoon, they would refer you to your great great great paternal grandfather when you really need their opinion, they blame your Typhoid illness on the fact that you ping and “Wassup” (My Mother would never agree it is *WhatsApp*). They compare your CGPA to that of a friend’s son or daughter who may be studying a course that is very different from yours, all your complaints about tough assignments and classes fall on deaf ears as they would ask rhetorically if they never went to school too?
-The annoying ones, My Mother doesn’t really have my time on lazy weekends, I am mostly left alone after every boring chores which I always try to escape from with a lame excuse or another ( it never ever works) even when I have solid excuses like serious cramps, all you get is a a scathing remark about being a lazy girl when my mates are washing their fifth baby’s clothes!. I would be all by myself while she goes about her business in the house too until my friends come around and we are having fun, that is when my mother’s “remembrance” game would be on point, from going down the street to help her get recharge card, to bringing the remote control in front of her, to helping her bring water not cold water but warm water after bringing the cold water she normally drinks, which can result into five or more trips to the kitchen. They can be extra extra at times, they can go from quietly warning you to hysterical shouting in public places just because you bought Tin Peak milk instead of the Refill pack? That is when you hear the history of your life being narrated, you choke on tears and wonder if she is actually your Mother or just one woman that rescued a crying baby inside a polythene bag.
– The Totally uncool ones, I still don’t understand why my Mother always want to befriend anybody I become friends with, she tries too hard to be in on the trends and things in vogue but it ends up in her embarrassing herself most times, while she forms cool and snatches them away, I stand beside the door and watch as my friends correct my mother for the umpteenth time that it is WhatsApp not “Wassup” . Mothers would criticize your fashion sense and says your choker necklace reminds her of a leash a dog was wearing on Telemundo, she would prefer you match my Leopard print shoes with your Leopard print gown and your Leopard print scarf, afterall it is matching matching. She expects you to sit beside her while she watches Telemundo and Zee world series and you dare not press your phone because it is a waste of time, you become the perfect listener while she re-narrates the movie you are both watching. And when your pick up your phone to quickly reply a message, she goes into lectures about the dangers of “WASSUP”.