Wedding wedding wedding

Wedding bells, wedding news, wedding photoshoot. There’s a wedding almost every Saturday in Nigeria. So then I thought why can’t I just make a post about what my dream wedding would be like? It’s never too early ait? Okay. Here we go.

  • MY WEDDING WILL BE STRICTLY BY INVITATION: Yep, you heard right that’s really (with British accent) imporHant. I can’t have a wedding where I won’t know 80% of the people eating and drinking at I and my family’s expense. Heck to the nuh uh.

  • MY WEDDING WILL BE A PROPER ILORIN WEDDING: I am not joking, you all have been hearing about how Nigerians love to party right? Have you heard about the Ilorin people? We do the most for parties. Our wedding holds for a whole week! All days have their own special event so yeah eh eh, I am doing everything there is to do!!!

  • MY BRIDESMAIDS ARE GOING TO AUDITION: I don’t care if we have been friends for ages or you are my sister. Bye blood! I am interviewing babes that would be on my bridal team. Tough screening with tougher criteria which are; you must be beautiful but not more than me excuse you I am the bride! You must be tall but not to overshadow me or my boo! You must have good dentition because I can’t let your ugly teeth ruin my wedding picture. You must have your own serious boyfriend you can’t come and be searching for a bae when you are supposed to be doing bridesmaids duties which includes fanning me and making sure I smile in every picture. You must speak good English so you don’t embarrass me when you speak and what else? Yes, you must be ready to wear anything I say you will wear, duh it’s my wedding not yours… sit down.

  • ONLY DOLLARS AND POUNDS CAN BE SPRAYED AT MY WEDDING: I am not kidding, there would be a bureau de change corner where you can change your Nigerian currency. I don’t want to see Naira at my wedding abeg. I want only dollars and pounds that will make my wedding rival other weddings. Please oh, If you no get money hide your face at my wedding.

  • YOU CAN’T ENTER MY WEDDING VENUE EMPTY HANDED: Wait what? Where do you think you are going? You can’t catwalk into the venue feeling like one thing one thing. Put slaying in one corner and sweat out as you drag deep freezers, washing machines, dishwashers, ovens, television… oh wait i didn’t say? I do not want small gifts at my wedding o. Who do you want to give toasting machine, cutlery and plates? Something I have gotten for myself already!

  • ASOEBI ISSA MUST AT MY WEDDING!: Uniformity makes everything more beautiful. You can wear my asoebi any way you like. I don’t care if you throw it out the next day or you give it out. You can tie it on your head or drape it like sari but you must buy and wear my aso ebi! And you can only buy it from me!

  • DON’T EVEN TRY TO PROPOSE AT MY WEDDING!: Uncle bae! Don’t start one nonsense romantic speech at my wedding o. Mr best man? Can you hear me? Don’t even try to propose to anybody at my wedding. What’s my business with your love? Eh eh it is my own shine you want to steal and add to your own? Impossible!. So you will be getting the awwn I and husbie are supposed to get? Are you normal? If you kneel on one leg like this you will see yourself outside the gate. My bouncers are not there to play, they will fling you and that bae outside, go and put the ring on her finger there. Radarada!

  • NOBODY MUST BE FINER THAN ME THAT DAY: Every slay mama coming to my wedding musn’t have a face beat that beats mine. Who do you want to compete with? From where? You won’t even enter the venue. Well, if I want to pity you cus you got the asoebi there’d be baby wipes that’d be provided for you to clean the evil pastes on your face.

  • NONE OF MY BAE’S UNMARRIED EXES SHOULD COME FOR THE WEDDING BUT THE MARRIED ONES ARE WELCOME!: H’anties, I just want to save you from unnecessary heartache and ‘had I know’ so you are so not invited, don’t come and use your regrets to ruin my wedding. Don’t come and do fine fine and let husbie start thinking in a funny direction. We are only inviting those who have gotten husbands, not just anyhow husbands o, husband they are satisfied with, in fact H’anty Ex, can you hear me? You must be pregnant or holding one of your kids when you are coming for the wedding. Tenkiu

With these few rules of mine, I hope I have successfully informed you on how you must comport yourself when you are at my wedding. Thanks for your cooperation.

Kindly await my wedding date.

4 thoughts on “THE WEDDING PARTY

  1. Omo_oriola December 20, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Our Kao have smoke again, forget not to include that all guests must come with car, no commercial transport will be allowed, and the cheapest car should be at least 4 million naira

  2. T.piano December 21, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    This your wedding party na fire oo… God wee see you through

  3. Kanzah December 23, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    Amen. Expect my invitation card soon.

  4. Kanzah December 23, 2017 at 12:37 pm

    Hahha.You just reminded me of a very important point. Thanks.

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