Do you know him? You should, don’t tell me you don’t, who wouldn’t know Buoda Jakobu? Were you not born in this town? Even if you weren’t born in this town you would have jammed him before, Buoda Jakobu and his tear tear traza? You see, Buoda Jakobu has refused to buy new clothes for himself he said this world is not our home and we are not supposed to adorn ourselves with flashy ornaments and clothing o.
Buoda Jakobu loves the church ehn, every evening he always has his Bible clasped under his armpit, his balding head shines dangerously in the sun as though it would catch fire any time, his oversized tear tear traza bellows in a dejected manner left and right like a weather-beaten flag, his shirt is two sizes small but Buoda Jakobu doesn’t seem to mind, it makes an awful harmony with his slippers that is flattened with wear and endless stomping in church as he casts and binds the demons affecting his progress, he would grin and expose his brown jagged teeth when you pass snide remarks about his outfit, did I tell you he stopped brushing five years ago? Well he did because he said he didn’t see it anywhere in the Bible where brushing of teeth was mentioned, besides it can’t take one to heaven so why do it? He grinned as he said this and I spat into the gutter in disgust.
He told us last year a day before Christmas that he wouldn’t want to marry, “you see my sister” he began as he swallowed his saliva in preparation for an onslaught of foul-smelling statements, “marriage is a vain thing, people do not marry because they love each other…” “we know, everybody knows ” I cut him off stiffly almost choking to death ” yes yes, you do know but the thing is, marriage doesn’t guarantee you heaven so why marry?” he scratched the bald patch on his head and went on like a drone oblivious to the fact that his only audience is the fat nanny goat chewing the cud as it scratches itself with the wall.
Yesterday, we caught Buoda Jakobu pants down in his room with a 13 year old girl, we heard muffled screams at first but we thought he was having his holy spasms again, he once told us the Holy Spirit descends in a most terrifying manner at times that you would be so overwhelmed and you would have no choice than to scream at the wonder of the mighty God. We heard the scream loudly when PHCN, God bless them, eventually took the light and we all sat outside enjoying the fresh breeze in nothing but a wrapper firmly tied around our chest, Buoda Jakobu called it a sin but we don’t care.
We banged on his door as piercing screams cut through the air, the boys from the house beside the first house on the street broke the door when he wouldn’t open, we caught Buoda Jakobu in his anointing glory sweating profusely as the frightened girl scuttled out of his room. The sword of calvary was standing upright and it look as though it belongs to a Goliath instead of the David Buoda Jakobu looks like. We all watch in amazement as a woman in her forties pulled her pregnant daughter roughly behind her and grabbed Buoda Jakobu by the neck the moment she caught sight of him.
The landlord begged the woman to tamper his joystick with mercy when she clutched the sword of Calvary in her hand, he broke a lobe of kolanut and threw it in his mouth mumbling “after all half of the children on this street belongs to Jakobu”. I froze and caught my Mother’s eyes, my little brother was pulling at her Gele, how we always wonder what causes baldness in a four year old boy.