WE ARE NOT MATES! SHO MO AGE MI NI?

Lately, I find myself relaxing my frigidity when it comes to human relations and that turned out to be one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made in my entire 20 something years on earth! I got walked upon and dragged through piss like I was a smelly tattered rag in the process. That one didn’t even hurt me because I know humans at times tend not to use their brain so I carried on with life like ‘if you don’t have sense it’s not my business.’

If I had known. I would have carried my iron fence in the dungeon where I tossed it in but no I was like the proverbial ekuke dog who refused to listen to it owner’s whistle to come back home and thus ended up in the pot of a calabar man. I tuned out the whistle and the warnings. Imagine me at my age with my status and my NYSC ID card getting accosted by a secondary school student inside the barracks. How may I help you was the question.

‘Actually, I have been watching you for some time and I realize I like you and I want your number.’ Was the answer.

What in the teenage hormone raging hell!!! I only smiled and said no before increasing my pace. Do I look like a teenager? I asked myself. This boy who couldn’t be more than 16 with sparse bear bear followed me. I secretly blessed God I was in a loose fitting gown for I can’t imagine how he might have been ogling me from behind. Dear people that happiness was short lived when he began to profess his feelings.

‘Actually, I have been dreaming about you a lot.’

Aye mi temi bami

Gbese! For someone of my age that meant this boy has been soiling his bedspread with lewd thoughts of me. Oh my goiz! I felt like a paedophile, child molester, sex offender. But the boy wouldn’t stop not even with the grimace on my face. I was embarrassed for him and myself. More for myself than him for how would I explain to one of those cute unmarried officers I have been eyeing what the gangly pimple-faced teenager wants with me?

‘Hello? Hello? You are not saying anything.’

My patience was getting tested but I kept myself under guard. One mischievous spirit whispered in my ear ‘Macron’s wife is older than him but they married anyways. You can be a first lady…’

No! I shouted at the voice in my head before facing the boy. I explained in the kindest of voices that he needs to face school, pass WAEC and JAMB and think of university and not girls or women like me at his age. Blah blah blah * insert long speech about infatuation.* He smiled when I was done thanked me and left reluctantly with a ‘bye bye ma.’ And there went a potential ‘suitor.’

Now that isn’t even the end of it. If getting ‘toasted’ by a teenager in broad day light is disrespect at it peak to a typical African. Let’s talk about how I boarded a marwa with a loud mouth. It was one of those days after CDS when I just want to return to my bed and sleep through the rest of the afternoon. Apart from the unnecessary boring Thursday talk that has become a ritual for my LGI, sitting in one place for 4 hours can make one’s buttocks feel like a flattened box. So I was inside marwa o enjoying cool breeze when this bearded guy joined me. Next thing he began to talk about the problems of Nigeria, out of politeness I hmmmed and aaaaahed. Who send me message? Baba mistook it as a positive sign and launched into a full assault against the government’s detractors, how Kemi Adeosun’s certificate was actually not forged and why it is nothing but witch hunting!

#InJenifa’svoice honkay, halright.

‘Do you know this woman have managed to achieve what Jonathan’s finance minister couldn’t achieve when he was in power?’

‘Honkay. Halright.’

‘What do you mean okay! alright! You surely would know if you follow politics. Don’t you?’

‘No.’

‘Why won’t you?’ He asked as he raised his voice berating me for being one of the problems of Nigeria. How I represent the Nigerian youths who do not care about the affairs of their country. How I am content pressing phone instead of learning and increasing my knowledge.

What did we carry, what did we throw?

When he was done I told him firmly not to talk to me like that again because as far as I was concerned, we are not mates sanity wise. And the fact that I was wearing a khaki made things worse. This guy probably sized me up and reckoned I couldn’t be more than 25. True, but what if he was wrong and I am a mother of 5 in my 30s!

This is when people get pissed at insolence they get when people refused to take ages not written on their forehead into consideration. This is why I get pissed with blatant disrespect that makes me furiously ask in my head ‘Sho mo age mi sha?’