SELF-SABOTAGE OR CREATIVE DEPRESSION? IDK BRUH.

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I don’t know where or when my problems began but I’ve been having a really low energy when it comes to productivity. At first, I felt it was due to the corona stories I see everyday and the deaths I read about from every angle but the reports became fewer and I am still stuck. I wrote down numerous things and articles I intended to put out since January and I have not done any of them.

I recorded series of podcasts as far back as February but here I am. Stuck and confused on whether I should edit and share or not. I have numerous blog posts titles and full articles I just can’t bring myself to post. I wrote a detailed post regarding corona and how not to let it get to one’s mental health but guess who couldn’t find the strength to just paste and post? Moi!

When I wrote it back then, I glanced through it and I was like ‘okay what is this crap?’ But when I eventually went back to it around June-July I realized how in-depth and helpful it could have been. I felt silly and punished myself by refusing to bring myself to write more posts.
 

During the period I wrote the corona article, I started a series and decided to post that instead. It made great numbers and hits on the blog but it came at a cost, it got flagged for its expletives and I had two options – to either censor the words or remove it completely. I did the later. I shrugged and said ‘why bother?’

At first I tried to pin it on the people from my father’s village but I was so nonchalant about everything that they visited me in my dreams to deny any involvement in it. It was that bad.

Anyways guess who became bitter and got punished by her thoughts regarding how groundbreaking that could have been like my first series? Yes moi again. 😌

You would think with how sad I felt about not doing anything, I will be eager to put something out when people ask. It is the opposite beloved because when people ask ‘when is the new podcast? When is the next blog post? What happened to Quarantine Nd Chill’ I would get consumed with a rage I cannot explain. It made no sense. I would be so irritated like ‘why are you asking me all these?’

Can you just keep kwayet? Your talk is irritating my ears.

I have been repeating this cycle for the past few months. I just couldn’t bring myself to post anything I have done. I don’t know if this is the imposter syndrome or something worse and it affects me a lot because creating makes me so happy and fulfilled but I seem to be slacking in that. Yet, I am too consumed by negative feelings to want to create. 

There is no lesson behind this post. I just want to put it out as an explanation to why my blog has been silent. I have been self-sabotaging.

I love you guys. Be back soon. ❤️

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