So, you want to be an adult?

*CacklesWickedlyPatienceOzokworStyle

I took a much-needed two-week leave from work. Every bit of those two weeks was spent either frolicking or lazing away on a couch or my bed. My skin barely saw the sun because my outings were often in the evenings, after I had spent the better part of the day lounging. I had an endless supply of snacks to eat from. In fact, at some point, I began to hear the voice of my trainer yelling in frustration at the unholy combination of junk I was consuming. It was glorious, and to think it was all at no cost because it was entirely at my friend’s expense.

Trust me to be misty-eyed as I headed towards departures, knowing that was the end of my freeloading. The long stretch of traffic from the airport to my house was my first reintroduction to the slew of stress that awaited me.

First of all, there was no electricity. As I frantically searched for my keys to buy new units, my neighbour hit me with some wild explanation. Something-something had happened to the single-phase voltage-current-something, and if I didn’t fix it, it would destroy something-something else. I didn’t understand a word, but I understood I had to spend money. Oya nau

Then, as if on cue, my bathroom taps and kitchen pipe situation got worse. I had to call a plumber to come fix them, which cost more money. In fact, I was already miserable at the amount I had to pay for the items he was replacing when he sheepishly added, “Ha, ma, you didn’t include workmanship.”

I clapped dramatically and said eh! eh! for him to know I am not a Lagos butty girl that did not know anything. Excuse me? Workmanship? For this small issue? He shrugged and murmured something about him even reducing the cost for me. Of course, I had to pay him for his service.

God! I wanted to punch the wall and howl like they do in the movies, but my bones are soft and I can’t afford to darken my knuckles and compound my worries with bleaching allegations. So, I ranted to myself instead.

Then, as if life wasn’t done having its thrill with me, I entered my toilet on a quiet Saturday morning to the smell of funk. I shook my head in disappointment with myself as I sprayed air freshener around, wondering when the wastes from my insides became this funky that the smell didn’t get expelled overnight even though the window was open. Later, when I went back in to brush my teeth, the funk was still there. So, I rinsed the bathroom floor with soapy water and splattered air freshener on the floor.

Three hours later, I was done with class and needed to pee, and the smell was still there. That was when I began to check around and it dawned on me. The pipe behind my toilet seat was leaking, and the smell was the expelled waste settling on the floor behind the toilet with nowhere to go. Of course I had to call the plumber. Again.

Evil forces from my father’s village jubilating after succesfully spoiling another pipe

The rest of the weekend was spent figuring out what to eat and doing market runs so I could prepare proper meals because my stomach was already protesting the biscuits and cereal I kept forcing down my throat. It was exhausting.

I never asked for all this stress and tribulation. I only wanted to be an adult so I could have extra meat on my plate and boss my siblings and younger cousins around. Why am I being saddled with so much responsibility and stress? Why?

I do not recollect the adults around me stressing this much. Or did they? Because back then, they were barely broke. They had long cars. They always gave me money. They were so cool. So why did I have a mini breakdown after realizing my bathing soap, detergent, liquid kitchen cleaner, and beans had all finished? Why does it feel like I’m in an endless cycle of constantly replacing and buying something in this house?

On top of everything, I’m supposed to track my personal growth, stay consistent with self-development, and manage my finances? Cries in D7 result from Piggy WAEC evaluation. If only I could outsource all my decision-making and life responsibilities to someone else so I could blame them instead when the decisions go awry. Because a huge part of being independent and an adult is decision-making. Being mindful with some decisions while taking risks with others. Wisdom is being able to tell with about 90-something percent certainty which is which.

Sometimes I wish someone could go to the gym on my behalf and just upload the results into my body quarterly. Let someone else attend my career advancement and language classes and send me the certificates. Life would be easier because I can hold them by the shirt if my belly juts out of my jean or my results from an assessment is poor.

My friend Philo’s request is simple. She just wants someone to bathe her every evening after work because she’s that exhausted. Me I want to outsource everything!

Even something as basic as consciously making healthy food choices can significantly improve your quality of life over time. I mean, we all think we can just throw one jollof inside our mouth and chew it and call it a merry day, but being mindful of the type of oil, protein choice, and seasoning quantity can greatly impact our gut health down the line.

But how can I even consciously make these decisions when restocking foodstuff is expensive every single time I go to the market?

Ha!

I wish life could be programmed to reward adults with a million naira at the end of every year just for surviving another cycle of adulting. Or better still, emulate my good friend Abdulgafar, who has a habit of sending people cash equivalent to the age they just turned. He sent me 29k back in May and I couldn’t be less envious of Methuselah.

Adulting, please, I beg. Don’t finish me.

What is your current adulting wahala? Rant away in the comments. I am here for you. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO