The crazy thing about Mother Nature is, she absolutely doesn’t give a damn.

I never asked for this. I didn’t  eat the fruit with Eve, but now I have to get severely punished by a misogynistic Mother for crimes I never committed. One minute you’re an over-bloated mess, and the next symptom, you’re suddenly understanding why you felt the intense urge to smother the life out of someone.

Like a grumpy mother-in-law watching her daughter-in-law for signs of pregnancy, Mother Nature launches spiteful vengeance against my organs the moment she realizes I have yet again not fallen pregnant! For this, she must punish me and throw my whole existence into disarray for a week. If she feels benevolent, she might only curse me with moodiness, irritability, and the sudden urge to kill myself. She might even hold back on the nausea and instead make me curl up in foetus mode (joke’s not lost on me) as waves of pain flash through my body, from the tips of my fingers to my waist, to my belly, down to my legs.

On months when Mother Nature is especially angry, she adds some butt cramps into the mix. She decides it’s not enough that I suffer. No, I must also suddenly feel a piercing, needle-sharp, unexplainable pain in my booty hole. And just to top it off, she believes it would be even more delightful for it to feel like there’s a thin thread of pain being twisted into knots, connecting my booty orifice to my belly. So now, I can neither bend nor stand straight. I’m stuck in whatever position the butt cramps hit, praying and waiting on Mother Nature to finish her torture and unknot the pain.

What is it? Haven’t you done enough? The cramps! The stains!! The torture!!! From blinding headaches that my friends complain about to the tooth pain I experienced back-to-back in 2022. Yes, Mother Nature is always dynamic with her torture during that time of the month.

You see, in 2022, I was wondering why I suddenly felt pain in my gums and lacerations around my tongue. I thought it was a deficiency and chugged my vitamins, but then it recurred the next month, and the one after, at the exact same time… a few days before my period. Then it became routine. A few days to my period, my gums would ache and my tongue would feel like an open wound. Eating anything even slightly scalding would send shears of pain down my oral cavity.

And then, suddenly, it stopped.

Mother Nature is so wicked, she also extra uglifies you that period (again the joke here is not lost on me). From looking like a puff-puff left in oil for too long to rounded stomach that gives the illusion that you are comfortably 3 months pregnant! Your skincare products will suddenly stop working. New pimples will appear on your face, your chest and places you never expect them to pop up at. This is the period (lol I know) people will gently nudge you and ask for the umpteenth time

“Are you fine?”

Collins Yes I am fine! What I am experiencing you cannot relate to so leave me alone before I lash out!

What hurts me greatly in this regard was an office photoshoot that I was unfortunate to be a part of while on my period. I looked like a sunburnt ,fat, Chinese man in one frame and the next I looked like a whale stuffed into my brown gown! I hate thisssss!!! I hate this!!!! What was the reasomn????

And you know what the crazy thing is? Mother Nature won’t even reward me with stress-free months when I finally decide to fall pregnant, just as she so desperately wished. The torture won’t entirely go. I’ll only be spared the stress of gingerly sitting so my pad won’t stain my dress. Of course, there will still be pressure in my lower abdomen, but from reports I’ve heard, it’ll increase exponentially. I’ve also been told there will be mirages of discomfort, nausea will increase, and mood swings will get worse.

So, what do you do with a mother hell bent on punishing her daughter?

And me not getting a period is also not good, apparently. It’s something something that would affect my mood and my reproductive health.

So, what exactly does she want from me?