I thought I had sense really thought I did until news of my boyfriend’s wedding broke. Let me tell you how it happened, it was one of those days when the sun naps throughout its work hours. My mood was pumped and the day had me feeling good with myself until my friend, Ewoma called.
‘You won’t believe what i just saw on IG o’
‘It’s your bobo he is getting married.’
I thought she said ‘you are getting married’ so I answered ‘of course if things go the way they should we are definitely getting married.’
‘Abeg keep quiet! I said he is getting married! I just saw his pre-wedding pictures and the woman isn’t you. Nah one yellow thing like that or you don dey blish?’ I zoned out at that moment while Ewoma kept raking. I was dazed…my hands were shaking as I dialed his number.
Kayina: Hey. Ewoma just called and she said (my misty eyes gave way to tears)
Him: uhm…Yh. about that, I should have called but see ehn the issue is complicated.
Kayina: How so? I thought you said… (I wrung my fingers and gesticulated widely)
Him: Well, things changed now, you know how things can change now
Kayina: What about that getaway we went on, on the 14th of fucking February! What was that all about? I thought you guys had ended things. You took me on that fucking trip.
Him: I did because I was actually done with her then but then we came together to patch things up and you know. It just happened.
Kayina: It just happened? We had sex! You confessed your love for me. I gave you a chance because I know you of all people needn’t say you love me to get sex from me. Fuck you
Him: Wait what? We both had sex. You wanted it as much as I wanted it. We both gave each other sex! damn
Kayina: Oh really? That is what you’d say? If I had issues with you and came back would you take me back even if you were with her?
Him: Uhm I dont know how to answer that question.
Kayina: You don’t? You don’t. Oh my God.
Him: We will talk later dear. I need to go now
Kayina: Oh no. Don’t go I don’t know what I’d do with myself if you hang up now.
Him: Bye Kayina
The bastard hung up on me, he didn’t even give me the satisfaction of being the one to hang up. I became miserable, a total wreck. He was so perfect. Laide, the lady he is getting married to, was his ex when we met. His crazy ex who wouldn’t stop calling anytime we were together. I have seen her pictures and I wondered why such a beautiful woman can be so temperamental. Well that was what he told me. The bastard. I was depressed for a long time but with YouTube vlogs and ‘aspire to desire in order to acquire’ messages and numerous books on self love and all. I became better and moved on with my life. It was hard but I moved on with my life and all was well until I ran into the bastard again.
‘Hey long time no see’ he said as he gave me an appraising glance.
‘I know right’
‘I am sorry for how things happened the other time it’s just…’
‘Save it please. I wish you the best with your wedding’
‘Wedding? I don’t think I’m going to go ahead with that shit honestly’
‘I dunno but I don’t really love her like that’
As he bemoaned his fate and talked about how he is getting pressured to marry Laide due to their family history, the typical rich kid VS rich kid matchmaking wahala. I was checking him out and getting reminded of the reasons why I fell for him. He is such a hunk. Everything about him is perfect even his nether region…thick, long, chocolatey…
‘Hey? Naija to Kayina??’ He waved in my face
‘Uhn? oh sorry you were saying?’
He continued to talk about their issues and to cut the long story short we got back together. I mean we are both soul mates even if his parents think Laide is a better match. We started spending long hours together and I didn’t feel a single guilt. Men cancel engagements everytime it’s a free world and in the words of Alicia Keys ‘Your soulmate may be in a relationship and it’s your job to ruin that’. She can’t force him into marriage simply because of their parents. Once again I was happy and satisfied with life until Ewoma with the tale of woes called me on a hot Saturday afternoon.
Ewoma: Kayii I am so happy for you baby’m. Thank God you are no longer with that he-goat.
Kayina: He is not a he-goat, what has happened again?
Ewoma: If you see the way one babe entered the church to come and say she doesn’t support the union. I don’t even know why pastors still ask that question of doom.
Kayina: What union? What are you talling about?
Ewoma: Your former bobo now today is his wedding. In fact the security had to carry the babe out of the church she said she aborted for him gbogbo ti gbo. It is on INSTABLOG9JA
Kayina: What? Who got married?
Ewoma: You never see the pishos? Lemme send.
What I saw made me lose my balance. There he was smiling and grinning in the bespoke suit I bought for him. The same suit I paid for with my own money! What the fuck! I went down the spiral again and this time it was worse because I didn’t hear the end of it from Ewoma who kept boasting that whoever tries such would be dealt with the Warri way. Whatever Ewoma just get me something for my sore and aching heart because I don’t have the strength to keep living. Everything made no meaning to me again and to make it worse he blocked me everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE.
While I swore and recounted all he told me about getting pressured to marry. Ewoma was looking at me like this.
But as they say, after each gloom comes the bloom. I bounced back again and swore I’d never ever allow any man come too close for comfort. I was basking in the sunshine of being single and loving myself wholeheartedly again when I ran into the devil for the first time after his marriage.
He started the whole talk with the ‘I can explain’ line and somehow I found myself listening to his tales about his unhappy marriage. We ended the talk with the two of us exchanging numbers before we head to our different destinations. He told me about his pending divorce which is really taking a toil on his mental health and all. Out of my aunty Do-good nature I offered him bed and company in my house. I mean I have a spare bedroom that I’m not using. Ewoma kept asking ‘who sent you message?’ when I told her. Like I care. He eventually started coming over to spend some time and was in my house for like a month before he suddenly stopped coming. I was worried and would try his number from time to time but it was never reachable.
Fortunately or unfortunately, in an equally funny twist Ewoma and my other girlfriends came over one friday night to spill some hot tea about the latest socialite scandal. They were all talking about how a popular big boy in town impregnated 3 friends in the same clique while married to their friend who also belonged to the clique. I wasn’t really into their gist because I kept trying his line at every chance I got until Ewoma chipped in ‘And he is Kayina’s ex you know.’
They all murmured ‘ehya’ before congratulating me for dodging a bullet. ‘What are you guys talking about?’ I asked confused.
Ewoma answered ‘Your former Bobo is the father Abraham they are talking about now, you guys he took Kayina for vanishing twice!’ she took a big gulp from her wine and a tipsy smile curled on her lips.
Haq haq I laughed in my head. Twice? She dhanno waeez gwainon.
‘Kayina is it true?’ Eno asked. ‘I don’t blame him for wanting you sha you have such a cutie waist’
‘That man is a ckraiminal! and a dirty dog I wonder why that beautiful woman is still married to him.’ Farida spat.
‘She said she is the Mrs and the women can keep coming to take small small bites.’ Ewoma slurred
‘I doubt they would ever divorce’ Farida shook her head in pity
‘Divorce fire! You didn’t see the picture he posted this morning? Of their meeting anniversary? Let me show you’ Eno tapped her phone rapidly before saying ‘ehn ehn oya see o’
They all passed the phone from one hand to another looking at the face of a cheat and his long suffering wife. When the phone ended up in my hands I saw the face of a two timing lothario and his major victim. They were both smiling at the camera, both were dressed in matching colours and formed the heart shape with their hands. They look happy and so in love in the picture and I could also see my clown face staring back at me in the phone’s reflector.
I am Booboo the fool. I have been clowned once again. Welcome to my world and expect more of my clowny tales.