Life is worth living but it is all Vanity. I am caught between existential crisis and despair. I have been asking myself some questions I can’t answer all day.
What is the essence of this whole thing called life? Why are we here anyway if we will eventually die? Why do some people die just like that, dying without anybody giving two fecks, why do some people suffer in life and still suffer when they are about to die? How does it feel like knowing someone is gone and you would never see them again? How does one cope when their loved one dies?
The thought of loosing someone I love sends grips through my spine, how will I get over it? What would it feel like doing things I do with those people alone?
I thought of my own death too, how would people react when they hear that I am gone? Are there people who would not give two fecks whether I die or not? Are there people who do not mind slitting my throat just to get me off the surface of the earth? Are there people who would give an arm and leg just to spend every moment of their lives with me? How would everyone of them feel when I am gone?
I have realized death is the same for everybody, it may come in different forms but it is still the same, the soul gets out of the body, there would be a struggle between the body and the soul, there would be sweats, tears, hot poo at times, a heave of the chest and a deep breath… Peace be still.
I have realized that nobody actually cares about you, people are only selfish and after their own interests, they cry when you are gone because they would miss you and your company, they enjoy your company because it makes them feel good and it all boils down to themselves, they love your company probably because you make them laugh, happy, you take care of their needs, you run errands, what if you don’t do all this? Would they still love you?
I have realized too that people cry for different reasons when someone dies, and that reason is not usually sadness, some would shed tears because they wonder why God would make you stay for that long, some tears are that of joy, some would cry because of the reckless life you have led, some would cry because well, it is expected of them.
I have also realized that nobody will follow you into your grave, some will jump into the grave with the idea that someone will pull them out. You will be alone in that dark, cold place while your relatives sit around mourning your death. A week, two, months, years and you are forgotten, your death won’t stop your brother from going to work neither will it stop your wife from eating because the shock of losing you will finally fleet. They will all go back to their lives and you would be there in that dark, cold place.
I have realized we are no one, only with death can our true selves emerge.