It is with a heavy heart I start this blog post. Regular readers of this blog would have noticed I haven’t posted in a while due to one reason or two. However, this shocking abdication by the breaker of chains women have been imprisoned with moved me to the point of picking up my dried pen and refilling it with ink.
Who would have thought this great misfortune would befall feminists this month? As if the pandemic wasn’t enough? As if the daily news reports about women getting murdered, sexually assaulted, maltreated and cheated aren’t enough. What did feminists worldwide do to deserve this so? Is the demand for fair, equal and decent treatment that infuriating that it has made our King a helpless hero facing a fully armoured battalion of misogynists and chauvinists he desperately tried to rescue us from?
Women have been fighting oppression for years but the king rescued us from it all with a twirl of his staff. The resignation of his imperial majesty spells doom for feminists worldwide. Here are the list of things that will befall women after this sudden resignation by the Feminstè supremo.
The displacement of women to the kitchen: The kitchen feminists fought long and hard not to be relegated to, which the king fixed with an adjustment of his crown will become the only functional office of every feminist now that our king has retired. No feminist dare object to adjusting to her designated spot in the kitchen. Henceforth women are to report at their spots without grudges and never forget that when they get bored of the kitchen, the ‘other room’ is available.
Child incubators: Feminists will immediately, without protest march to the Head Office of Oppression (H.O.O) and pick up their incubator slots. It was never discarded when the king fought for our freedom to not be just child birthers and nurturers. In fact it was preserved by the Patriarch in Charge for a time like this. As from today, every feminist must find a traditional man who recognizes the importance of child rearing and why women are majorly and solely responsible for their upbringing, to impregnate them. They have the grace of now till November 30th to get pregnant or face the wrath of the law.
There is no space in between for feminists anymore: Now that feminists have no leader shielding them, or shepherd directing them and are therefore unprotected and exposed to the wolves, all the allowances given to women in order to see that they are dynamic and cannot be simplified into stereotypical positions have now been erased. Starting from today, any woman who refuses to aspire to marriage is a lesbian. Any woman who doesn’t yearn to have a child is a prostitute. Any women who combines both is a LESBITUDE! Please take note, ignorance is not an excuse.
Feminists will no longer be ‘allowed’ to be autonomous: Women, females, girls, ladies have no right to decide for themselves and now that the saviour has left us. Our fate therein lies in the hands of men who knows better, doesn’t matter if he drools on his cloth or is a toddling child of 3. We must ask and seek his opinion on whatever aspect of our lives we need guidance on because men know better. After all, they were created first.
My heart beats violently as I write this because I know the future is uncertain but every feminist must take heart and pray fervently at night that the king returns. For I fear if he never does it will be the end of the road for us.
Yours in Ex-feminism,