It was great existing in the idealistic world where we were trained as girls to keep ourselves for marriage. Never allow a boy to hold our hands so we would not get pregnant. Make sure to close our legs while seated so we would not be seen as badly trained girls. How to chew gum. How to relate with the opposite sex. The same training was ingrained in us to understand that most men only want one thing and once they get it that is the end, so it was important to keep that thing to ourselves and only give it within the confines of marriage. Fair enough.

As a kid, I have no clear recollection of when I first got the talk, but it was as natural as eating. I knew better than to allow any random male person unnecessary audience. I also knew instinctively not to attend parties or give boys my number in secondary school because that was how the descent into being a bad girl started and I was not about to shame my family just yet. In fact, back then the worst thing that could happen to you was teenage pregnancy. I remember one relative suffering from schizophrenia once told me to flee from boys before they derailed my destiny. I was in SS2, I had no boyfriend, but her craze-induced prediction was enough for me to pretend I was not burning with fondness for this boy I went to primary school with. Do you know how crazy it was for a girl whose poems were mostly about love to pretend she did not like a boy in the next class whom she also knew liked her? Anyways, sorry to that poor boy. I wonder where he is now.

When I became an adult, the same mindset shaped me. It was scandalous to hear my friends talk about sex or say they did anything beyond hugging and pecking with their boyfriends. I was extra judgmental if they insinuated anything more. Conversations around protection were met with a frown from me. I remember when a friend told me she used antibiotics after sex to prevent pregnancy. As the granddaughter of a nurse, I was scandalized. I had to come down from my moral high horse and tell her about the different types of contraceptives, and of course I did not forget to mention how abstinence would have been better for her. Lol.

It is interesting how life later showed us that what we thought we knew was just a crumb of a larger expanse of undiscovered reality. Imagine my surprise in 300 level when I was roommates with a very expressive and sexually free woman and, by extension, her group of expressive women with diverse sexualities. A clear contrast with my 100 level roommate Kunbi who told us how she shared a room throughout her remedial days with her boyfriend Peter and made sure to add they never had sex. She also added he even picked her pant and threw it at her for her to take. Now imagine my utter confusion watching the ones in 300 level talk about sex and sexualities freely and openly. I was abashed. I was confused. And I was enlightened. These ladies tried to shift my perception but I was rigid until I encountered similar complex themes in literature during classes by my favourite lecturer, Dr. Dunmade. That was when I understood better. In fact, Dr. Dunmade once shared a personal story about his NYSC days with me and Philomena. Philomena said she did not hear when I tried starting a conversation around it years later, but I heard it clearly over the din of the television in his living room that was swamped left and right by books. What he said did not change my perception of him, and that was when I got my answer.

Another thing that happened was the story I heard about a woman who got married to a good guy. Their courtship was sweet. He never pestered her for sex. He was also an Alfa, soft spoken and always minding his business. When they finally got married, the marriage was not consummated, and he was not even interested in her company. He left her in their room and moved to another. Lo and behold after almost a year of marriage, she discovered he was gay. Fire and brimstone, chaos and confusion but it rightfully ended in divorce. I remember how men like him were the golden boys back then. In fact, my older cousins while getting married never forgot to let me know how their husbands were the next thing after fried yam because they never did the do and the men never pressured them. In fact, bridal showers with friends always involve some sugar-coated stories of abstinence and how they persevered till the point of marriage. What does it take to get a little bit of honesty here? Seriously.

Only an aunt never told that lie, but could she? She had her heavily pregnant belly photobombing all her wedding pictures, so that is by the way.

“If he really cares about me, he will not ask me for sex.”

Uhm, if he really likes you, he will have a raging boner whenever he is around you, but he might try to be courteous enough to cover it with a pillowcase or distract his mind. That simplification of sexual dynamics has led many astray.

Good men also want your bumbum, and a man respecting your decision not to have sex does not mean he is perfect or imperfect as a partner. Sexing or not sexing is not a good metric to judge a man. A man can sleep with a goat. A man can agree not to have sex with you to respect you and move on to sleep with another girl outside. A man can have sex with you and tell the boys in his group chat how he has seen you finish and move on to the next. A man can do whatever, but sex is not the only determinant of where you stand with him.

Do not make sex a metric. Your decision not to have sex should be your personal conviction or a form of covenant you have chosen to have with yourself or God. You might be disappointed after hinging all your love and self-worth on not giving him sex and then watching the flip happen years down the line after you already did. Will you start blaming your cooch for not being good enough? I don’t think so.

I remember what one moral pundit uncle said when I asked why he was committing zina with the series of entanglements he has with different women despite being super righteous. He said it was as good as being married and having sex, and if he married the lady and they had sex and divorced, it would still be the same. This brings to mind the scandal that rocked the Muslim/Arab community in the UK regarding a serial divorcé dude. He would court Muslim women, marry them and then divorce them months after marriage. So, there you have it. Marriage or not doesn’t simplify things. Whoever wants to sleep with you wants to sleep with you and…

Even good men want your ass.