I saw a naked man today, under the bridge on Gbagada Expressway. Bare, brown, hard butt, bathing in the full glare of the morning sun. Not a care in the world.

Remember I mentioned my friend Philo seeing a naked man bathing under the bridge in Obalende, also without a care? Today, it was my turn to have my eyes assailed by a full-grown man bathing in public. The Yoruba in me assumed later on that it was probably for jazz. I just cannot fathom how a full-grown man would be bathing in public. These and more are the daily anomalies in the godless city called Lagos.

Yes, yes, there are a bajillion churches in Lagos, but that doesn’t make it a godly place. It is still godless.

I blamed myself for not booking a Bolt ride to work today like I did on Tuesday, but that wasn’t entirely my fault. I could not get a ride for less than 6k on any of the ride-hailing apps. I was so sure my 4,300 offer on InDrive was met with hisses and insults from drivers who saw it and ignored me.

This is probably the six millionth time, but I am tired of being carless in Lagos. I have ranted to anyone who cares to listen about how tired I am of trekking. A random conversation about a guy who has a plug for everything somehow turned into a discussion about getting me a car.

I was told that the price for a simple Toyota Sport, also known as Ibadi Alhaji, is seven to eight million. I don’t know how I can possibly finance that within the timeline I set for myself, but I am getting a car this year. I also saw a Toyota Uber for five million in Ilorin a while ago, so maybe the universe is telling me something.

The Lord knows that sitting sandwiched between sweaty, hairy, fatty arms is a daily torment I am tired of. Just as it is not a pretty sight for a soft babe like me to be running helter-skelter because the heavens decided to open their doors and pour down their ropey liquids on me.

I have seen hairy male buttocks confronting me aggressively because my conductor had seemingly lost his belt. It is enough.

Do you know how stressful it is to use skincare products — from serums to moisturizer and sunscreen — only to end up sitting in a choking bus? Sweating from the nose, with the sunscreen adding to the heat and confusion you’re already feeling because of how chaotic it was to chase down and hop on the bus?

It is also not a pretty sight when you have to hop on those buses or wait for them just to run some errands. It has been a draining and frustrating experience, especially when I cannot afford a Bolt. The core reason I need a car is for peace of mind and sanity. Having to trek to bus stops or expressways just to get transported somewhere is exhausting, especially when you’re up against the elements. Getting fried on the scalp just because I need to get to work is draining, and don’t you dare mention an umbrella. How many loads do you expect me to carry?

Being carless is fast becoming my personality. The carless, stressed girl in Lagos. But wetin I wan do?

I would also love to own a car soon so I can use it to nudge people who pee in public by the roadside, right inside an open gutter. I’ve secretly nursed this ambition for a while. And what am I doing wrong? If not contributing to the sanity of the environment.

It is not a pretty sight, seeing someone’s genitalia emitting streams of golden yellow liquid. I would have insulted them as I walked by or as my bus sat in traffic, but imagine them turning away from the gutter and shooting their pee at me. I would faint.

I have to often permuate before going to the Island because the ride-hailing fees make me palpitate. What do you mean 15k just to get to Lekki? How much would I now have left for enjoyment? It costs just 13,100 to get to Ilorin, so why am I spending close to 40k on an intracity trip?

Just recently, I saw someone on TikTok talking about their experience using a ride hailing app intended for use by working class folks. He documented his experience by comparing it to those waiting for buses by the roadside. Guys, I kid you not someone spotted themselves in the video. Imagine someone does a mainland version and I ended up on their page? Decked out smartly in corporate gown only to start running after danfo? God abeg!

Most mornings now, when I commute to work via bus, I take a few minutes in an empty air-conditioned office to gather myself and my thoughts before stepping into my own office. God forbid my colleagues see me looking dishevelled and disoriented.

I must not be seen in a way that would make my enemies jubilate.