Good girls don’t wear that if they want to find a husband.

In the National Marital Olympics that holds yearly, where there is a benchmark for when women of “overripe” marital ages are expected to be married, African aunties and uncles have decided that to be a suitable qualifier, your presentation as a woman must suit their expectations of what a good woman should look like.

In my conversations with friends and cousins about this endless grouse on the ever-shifting expectations of physical modesty by the How-to-Find-a-Husband Brigade, I mulled loudly about why such standards are not as stringent for men. If I am expected to cover up and possibly become a sudden hijabi while the man can frolic around in anything, is it assumed that women see such sights and feel neither disdain nor pure lust?

It is baffling how this issue is framed as though women are items on display in a market and men come around to select whichever one they desire. Are only men expected to choose? So why is everything overhauled just for them? I have encountered men on opposite ends of the dressing spectrum. There is IB, who wants a woman who wears the hijab (not just a scarf as many women do, but a hijab that falls to the waist). He has a clear idea of how he wants his wife to present, which is fine. Then there is J, who once said at one of my house parties that he never wanted a super religious Muslim girl who wears hijab. He would rather she wears scarf and it is on and off, or not on at all. So long as she practices her faith, he is cool with however she chooses to present. Note that IB and J are not far apart in age, so age is clearly not the determinant of IB’s conservatism or J’s liberalism. Now imagine the mental anguish of a woman trying to attract J while dressed as the type of woman IB prefers. She would be frustrated, wondering why J simply does not want her despite presenting as the embodiment of what a “good girl” is.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Women are expected to contort to expendable shapes to be worthy of being partnered. Yet, their male counterparts display d*ck prints in tight fitting jeans and all is well with the world. 

After all, it was on the basis of modesty and dressing that my aunty wrote someone off entirely. She said her son had told her the lady’s dressing was somehow, and that it was probably why she would never find a husband. Apparently, a picture of the lady had been shared with a potential suitor abroad, and the suitor lost interest after seeing how she was dressed. To give you a visual: it was an ankle-length stretchy mesh gown with long sleeves, and the lady was seated on a bench with a scarf tied like a turban around her head. I was bewildered, and asked whether perhaps the suitor was one of those strict Muslim men who would rather their wives be in a burqa. So I badgered my cousin for a picture to satisfy my gossip-driven self, and the suitor who rejected the lady was dressed in a figure-hugging round-neck shirt and jeans so tight they strained as he leaned against a railing at what looked like an amusement park. What had started as good old gossip between my cousin and me had me reflecting on why our aunty felt justified siding with the guy without seeing it both ways. She judged and blamed the lady without looking at either set of photos, and without once considering whether the lady even liked the boy. In her mind, it was all done and dusted because of the girl’s immodest dressing. Her words: “She is now wondering why the boy did not follow up. Why will he follow up? When she refuses to dress appropriately. How will she find a husband if she keeps dressing that way?”

It is grating how the measure of a marriageable woman begins with her dressing. My friends and I have bantered about how we see films and hear stories about reformed women who suddenly become wife material after becoming visibly religious and modest. How, as a woman, all your past transgressions can be forgiven once you don the cloak of righteousness. And we wonder why we keep hearing stories about men who claim they were swindled into marriage. Because some women have seen the cheat code to getting chosen by men who would have otherwise overlooked them. They are ready to settle down, and it is far easier to put up a front to get into the institution of marriage first.

Sadly, this is not a practice that will die anytime soon. And it is alarming that many do not see how it mirrors the warped thinking behind blaming women for assault based on how they present. Because if one woman is deemed marriageable due to her dressing, what do those same minds think of the women they deem unmarriageable? Whatever happens to them, happens. Because how dare she dress like that? They will believe that if she had carried herself in a more marriageable way, perhaps a man lacking self-control and basic human dignity would have steered clear and not harassed or assaulted her. A good number of these same people are mortified when they hear about a woman being sexually assaulted and realise she met all the markers of their morality, so they are confused. Their confusion comes from a place of: but she doesn’t look like those girls, so why would that happen? And it is from that confusion that they “chalantly” join the voices calling for justice.

Good girls don’t wear mini skirts or halter necks if they want to get married. They don’t wear jeans or bodysuits. They also don’t wear hijabs, lest they frighten off the men wary of overly religious women. Good girls don’t wear baggy outfits to draw attention away from their curves, lest people decide they are being fake. In fact, good girls don’t wear anything.