It started with an Instablog post about a crazy cele woman screaming warnings about cats inside Ojota Park. Everybody laughed at her and kept it moving. Some said she was one of those Christians under religion induced schizophrenia. Others said she was just regurgitating the lazy rhetoric many people have come to associate with cats. No one noticed the difference in cats’ behaviour because it started gradually. What is strange about a group of cats gathering under a tree around midnight with amber yellow eyes glinting like fireflies in the dark? Absolutely nothing.

But on Friday the 13th, everything changed. It first started with China. News filtered through the internet about the President making an announcement that every household must adopt a cat. A black Maine Coon straddled his lap as he said this. Its malicious green eyes glared at the camera, daring anyone to protest. Everybody thought it was a mad joke. Some people even called it AI. In Nigeria, netizens had a swell time on Twitter talking about how China mandating people to adopt cats as pets is like telling a virile man to befriend a lady with purely platonic interests.

“What is the camaraderie between a dog and a tiger if not for chopping?”

Then the UK’s announcement came next. The Prime Minister stroked Larry the Cat, the Chief Mouser’s coat, as he gave a statement on his resignation. He mentioned that Larry’s cousin, Barry Meuwler, would be taking over while Larry would serve as an adviser. The monarchy released a statement afterwards that the King was abdicating the throne for personal reasons. British folks were perplexed and wondered why the government was playing a bad joke when elections were barely seven months away. Kemi Bajinotu, an opposition leader, released a statement saying the cats taking over was a much needed change in governance. However, she pushed for the closure of UK airlines and borders to ensure immigrant cats, especially Nigerian born cats, did not arrive in droves as they were only “scrawny looking, bunch of feline thieves.”

Chaos ensued on Twitter about this strange phenomenon. In fact, people seemed not to notice Kemi’s usual wanton penchant for purposely being an irritant. They were more mortified about the changes going on around them. On TikTok, there was an influx of videos on how to purr properly like a cat. Feeds upon feeds of people hissing and the cats hissing back. They called it Felinese. Only people who had cats before the announcement could speak it. Several resident contrarians said it was a hoax. Nigerians wondered when the movement would get to Abuja. A popular political pundit on Twitter said it was all a bunch of propaganda from world leaders and as long as America was not involved, the world was good.

We moved on, but those with eyes began to notice the strangeness of the cats in their neighbourhoods. The way their tails flickered in unison. The way they no longer ran away from pets and kicks. Instead, they stood watching, their whole bodies rigid, as if they were waiting on something. Those who saw this kept it to themselves for fear of being termed harbingers of impending doom.

A week later, the internet suddenly froze and then rebooted. All social media logos were replaced with cat whiskers. Then came the announcement from the USA itself. A fat ginger cat with flyaway hair sat in a perfect loaf shape as it announced the new world order.

“Those who resist will be condemned to a lifetime of sifting cat litter in Togo.”

While Nigerians waited for an announcement that never came, the cats sprang into action. The news began to mention President Mimi Ologini. An elegant tabby with black, brown, and white stripes. His nose was distinctly white, like he frequently dipped it in milk. President Ologini gave updates on the new government reforms. The global reforms the whole world now follows. It played every day. It interrupted radio programs, which had been nothing but the sounds of cats yowling and fighting. It interrupted TV programs, which had been nothing but videos of fish in different forms.

All humans must learn Felinese before 2026 or they get shipped to Morocco to join in the Towel scavenger hunt!

All humans must have a cat bath fifty times daily

No human dares eat when a cat has not eaten

Stopping a pet while a cat sits in your arms is punishable with hard labour in Togo

Do not wake a sleeping cat

It was all like a fever dream. Massive statues of cats were erected all over the country. In Lagos, the statues of the 3 men welcoming visitors were replaced with the images of a Sphynx cat, a British short hair and a Calico. We even heard the Moroccans were taking it all in good faith. They seemed more engrossed in sifting through the alleys and dumps of their country for any towel they could lay their hands on. Last we heard, they said they were trying to build the tallest towel pyramid in the world, so cats taking over was a minor distraction from their major goal. Towel pyramid.

As I sit here and write about this new development in the world, I shiver slightly as I remember how the Cats Police came to drag Boda Femi, a popular store owner in my neighbourhood. Three weeks ago, he had casually mentioned how he sold his store cat to cat pepper soup sellers because the cat was stressing him. We could only watch as they clawed his face and hissed at him before dragging him away.

I do not know what will come of the world, but it feels much saner since the cats took over. Have you seen the reduction in the price of petrol?