NB: This is an unserious, satire or metaphorical piece or watchamacallit. The author has no intent to commit violence. This is a purge and one of the many rantings she does because of her frustration with the Nigerian financial higihaga that is trying to snuff the joy out of her. Anyhooooo. Anyhooo.

TLDR: Don’t take this seriously and if you do. Y.O.Y.O

After careful consideration, I have decided to tender my resignation in pursuit of my other ventures.

Be hardworking, they say. Well, guess who has decided to focus fully and work hard elsewhere? And guess what? The capital needed for my new venture is nothing crazy, just a black outfit, a gun and the audacity I snatched from Nigerian men on twittter who believe they stood a chance with Cuppy Otedola and they only need their rizz and manness.

In fact, I have already done reconnaissance and identified the places and locations to strike. I have always admired those who have the courage to quit their jobs and follow their passions. Guess what? I am chasing mine.

Why won’t I carry gun? When I ask for something and they propose a price and I propose mine, they look me up and down and tell me to carry gun. I saw a red Toyota Camry 2012 the other day. Fully registered and neat. The seller requested 9.5 million and everybody around told me it was a good deal. I was encouraged to go for it sharp sharp because I could never find such an offer elsewhere, so I told them what I had was not enough. The buyer, being kind, said he was willing to listen to my offer and meet me in the middle. I told him I had 2.5 million and he told me to carry gun and come and carry the car.

It reminds me of how I advertised for a chef on my status the other day because I was tired and still had to force myself to stand in front of my cooker for an hour plus and make something passably edible to eat. My friend who works at Fired n Iced Lagos, Chef Dee, asked how much I was willing to pay since he works in that industry and if I had accommodation. Accomodawhat? I told him my budget was 50k, there is space in my living room and they were to cook four times a week and they must be willing to cook Indian food whenever I demand it. He laughed before telling me to also go and carry gun.

So carry gun I would. I have not bothered myself yet with where I would be able to purchase such a gun but I have already identified places I would carry my gun to.

First, I would carry it to my landlord’s house in Magodo and request that he not only shelve the increment on my rent but further reduce it to a manageable amount. If he refuses, I will hold my gun up and tell him to vacate his residence for me. I would then tell him it is nothing personal but all due to the fact that I was told I needed to carry gun to pay a rent of 250k per annum for a mini flat in a central location in Lagos mainland. Thereafter, I would then go to the car dealership, the best of the best. I would look for a simple salon car because I am not a greedy person and even though I am now a gun carrier I still have fear of God. I will tell them to bring me a sleek black 2025 Camry and ask them for the amount. Once they tell me fifty or sixty kinikan million I will make an offer of 2.3 million because I am still a rational human being and I believe in giving people the chance to choose their fate. The moment they scoff at me and look me up and down like I missed my way I will pull out my gun and wave it in their faces.

Then I would go back and ask one of my suitors whom I told to give me one million dollars the other day when he asked me what I wanted. He laughed in my face after I told him and said kukuma carry gun nah. I would ask for my one million dollars again and if he scoffs derisively and yet again tells me to carry gun, I will call him out and make him face his words. He might be into gun play. Freaky dirty boy.

I would then drive down to that company that I applied to in June and when they asked me what my expected salary was. I inputted six zeroes after the single digit in the box. Maybe that is why they never called me back. HR probably hissed and said “make she carry gun nah.” So, I will. With my guns demanding immediate employment and telling them what a wonderful addition I would be. I would highlight my exploits and achievements and how I am resourceful and a good risk taker which I would demonstrate by narrating the story of how I got my car. If they look me up and down and politely try to turn me down or tell me some yarns about getting back to me. I will laugh calmly and ask them if they wanted me to carry gun before they can employ me and pay me the salary I requested. Of course, I would calmly walk out after because it would end with them shaking my hands and welcoming me to the company!

Then I would unleash the rest of me on Twitter and scour the internet as well, goading vendors and boldly offering the prices I have for their wares. I do not think I would care much for the insults that come my way because has anybody ever died of insult? Nope. But the moment they tell me to carry gun…